In love, avoid coercion, don’t feel wronged, and avoid judgment.
**Avoiding coercion** means you shouldn’t force others to meet your demands.
**Not feeling wronged** means you can stand firm on what you want.
At first glance, these two statements might seem contradictory, but you must believe they can coexist: say what you want to say, while not forcing the other person to listen; do what you want to do, while not requiring the other person to accept it.
Every intimate relationship today must face a challenge: how to avoid conflict while developing closeness between two very different people.
So how do we develop intimacy? Let’s start with a story.
Once, a woman came to me for counseling with a problem about a long-distance relationship. She was originally living with her boyfriend in Chicago, but she recently got a fantastic job offer in Manhattan. This job was her dream, but her boyfriend’s career in Chicago was also important and couldn’t be given up. They had no choice but to be apart. Their conflict arose during this separation.
They both wanted to see each other frequently on weekends, but which city should they meet in? This issue caused a conflict.
The boyfriend preferred that she come to Chicago, but the girlfriend said, “If I go to Chicago, I’ll have to take a high-speed train back and forth every weekend. Besides being exhausting, it feels like Chicago is his base and I’m just a puppet he pulls back and forth.”
But the boyfriend was also unwilling to come to Manhattan. He said that while occasional visits were fine, making a trip every time and packing up his things felt uncomfortable.
Because the girlfriend had moved to Manhattan from Chicago, the boyfriend already felt abandoned, and now he felt even more wronged having to make the effort to visit her. He insisted that since she left him, she should come back to make it up to him.
Who is right in this situation?
It’s hard to judge.
From different perspectives, both people’s feelings are understandable, and neither’s demands are unreasonable. The crux of the issue isn’t which city to choose, but the sense of position each person feels in the relationship. Long-distance relationships are prone to insecurity, so both sides hope that choosing the city will provide a bit more security and commitment, and neither wants to compromise.
But a solution must be found! In the past, this situation would likely have resulted in one person compromising or splitting the visits half and half—this time you come, next time I go.
There’s a solution that is always optimal, called—**simultaneous satisfaction**.
How does it work? I came up with a plan for them: every weekend they would meet, but not in Manhattan or Chicago. Instead, they would choose a different place in between the two cities each time, and both would travel from their respective cities to this new location, spending a day or two there.
This approach has several benefits:
1. Neither person has to travel far, making the trip more manageable time-wise.
2. Both get a sense of initiative, so neither feels wronged.
3. Meeting in a new city is inherently romantic, which helps them build confidence in their long-distance relationship. Each different city also becomes a unique memory for them.
They both liked this solution very much.
Because of this arrangement, they visited many different places together and eventually chose a city that was ideal for them to settle in. When the woman finished her counseling, she said, “It was fortunate to have this plan; the long-distance relationship actually improved our feelings for each other.”
This story serves as a metaphor.
Whenever I do couples therapy and see two people unwilling to compromise, insisting that I judge who is right or wrong, I will think of this story. Then I ask myself: Is there a place that is neither Manhattan nor Chicago but is somewhere both people want to go?
I call it the “Third Way”.
This way is the path where two independent people come together in a way that feels comfortable for each. It seems like a path that doesn’t exist, but it is the necessary way to develop intimacy in modern relationships.
It requires creativity and wisdom, but first, it requires faith in the relationship: whenever you consider whether A should listen to B, or B should listen to A, you must believe that there is a path where both A and B are satisfied simultaneously.
